I swear I'm sane

Nice------
Just looped a little Eric Satie.

Not much of a blogger, am I.
No, didn't think so.

Well, quite frankly, I thought I'd finished with this stuff for a while. You might not know this yet, but it takes a little while to put one of these bitches down. I've been happy as a lark with things up here. Honestly- I've got life by the balls-yeah! That's the ticket

It started out pretty small. Certain things would sort of strike me from no where. A certain scene on a television, the actions of a stranger, the motion of clouds.

Something untouchable about these things I saw - moments both grim and beautiful - that stopped me in my tracks as though I'd witnessed it a million times but had just now seen it.

Lately it's been a bit more noticeable. I get confused by the things people say; caught on their syntax - lost in the haze of their ideas. I forget where I am sometimes, or how old I am, or what I'm about to do. And recently I've felt like I wake up in a different world sometimes.

Yeah, I'm sure you think that's funny, or stupid, or quaint in a homo-gothic kind of way but I'm confident I know what's been going on - just not why.

You'll snicker because all you'll see are a few bits of random coordination; you won't feel the sick retching sensation that comes after you witness something that you're should didn't exist, in fact couldn't exist in the reality you remembered the day before.But small things like forgetting someone's favorite color or food are just the beginning. Wait until the towel you knew was grey and dingy changes into the red one that is clean and pressed and no one else was around who could have possibly changed it for you. Or things that vanish and reappear without any discernible pattern. It makes you beg the question: Am I insane because I'm leaving things all over the place and forgetting, or am I insane because things are moving around without my permission. Not a healthy question to have to ask yourself.

Tonight, as I was walking home, TWO busses drove past me, both on streets where busses had never driven before. YES, you can say that maybe I never noticed them before, or perhaps their routes had just been changed. Frankly, I thought they were just lost at first. Then I saw people riding on them. God, I must be going insane - of course. The man wasn't looking at me, he couldn't have been. He was asleep, right?

Well, just before the busses a guy kept motioning to me. He teetered in front of a red mustang with the passenger side door open. Shirtless and slit-eyed he started waggling a gang sign to me and muttering under his breath. Last week two guys held me up for some shit. Christ, people stop me all the time wanting shit. What the fuji?! I know someone is trying to tell me something but what!!

That guy on the bus just now was the worst though. I think he's why I felt like I had to sit down and write this shit. Thing is, it went down in a really strange style.I saw a parking spot going the opposite direction from which I was driving. I also noticed my roomate's car. I slid into the right lane to go when traffic cleared. A CTA bus came rumbling down the street - a street I've lived on for three years and no bus has ever sullied its pristine paths even though it is a fairly broad avenue. I noted it, flipped a u-turn, took a left and sidled into the parking spot I had picked out.

As I got out of the car another bus comes rumbling along and I look because I'm confused as to why I'm seeing so many busses , consecutively, on two streets that I've never seen buses on before. The second bus would have been following me. It was heading north.

I looked at the bus and a man in a dingy and flattened ball cap glanced up at me. I'll never forget his red curly hair, like carrots that had just been dug from the earth-- dirty and twisted at the roots. His face was shrunken against his jaw and when he saw me he leaped out of his seat and glared at me for a full second as the bus passed by - again on a street where no buses go.

What the Fuji!!! Do they already know I'm here? How? The better question is why don't they just fujiing kidnap me or whatever they're going to do.

I doubt anyone who might ever read this could even guess what it feels like.

The mugging last week really shook me. I can't believe how slack I've become. They say it's not fear that kills, it's lack of fear. GOD! I know better than that. Things are starting to get weird and I'm not sure what to do. I've settled to much this winter. I'm a sane person, I am critical and reasonable. I think about shit before I say it. I pay attention.

Why can't I figure out what's going on?

I feel like someone is speaking to my back and because I am deaf and blind, the only thing they can do is kick and hit me to get my attention. I wish my skin was as tough as the shit blocking my ears; I feel like I just went deaf in my left ear for ten seconds.

God damn. I've got to get out of here. Where am I going to go. Is the end coming? So I need to prepare? Do I need to amass a fortune so I will be prepared when it comes? I'm positive most of the rich people will survive.

Why do I feel like just sitting back and letting it wash over me. Letting the molten lava pour from the ground and burn me to cinders in a matter of seconds. Letting the waters flood into my third floor apartment crushing me against my ceiling. Letting food and advertising strangle me with their love.

Why is it so important for me to ensure my survival? Why not someone else? Why does it matter at all if any humans survive?

Maybe they haven't struck because I'm not scared enough, because It's never to late - only too early. I don't think that every person is followed and threatened, but I can say with all confidence to keep your head down so they can't find you accidentally.

Christ, I've got to go to sleep.

Someone is outside of my window yelling. Car doors are slamming. I think they are fighting.